Acceptance for survival
It makes sense that children are hardwired for to gain their parents’ (and other significant adults’) acceptance. It makes sense for survival. We need our adults to stay connected with us as we would not do very well as an infant on our own, so we need to remain ‘acceptable’ to them and keep getting positivity from them to feel secure in this connection. We also need their guidance to stay safe. This is a hardwiring that makes sense. For this reason – certainly initially – children generally arrive ready to be guided by the adults in their lives – but it can often go awry…
The importance of feeling accepted
When a child feels totally and utterly loved and accepted-as-they-are at a foundation level, when they feel the adult-child connection is extremely secure and that the adult is unwaveringly ‘on their side’, they will have optimum self-worth and sense of security. (It also means they can usually cope bit of gentle disapproval for undesirable behaviour.) When we realise how important it is for children to feel fundamentally accepted, and not rejected, by the adults in their lives – more than we might consciously acknowledge – that really is a big one-way responsibility for parents and carers and one that we could easily miss the gravity of.
To emphasise this gravity, I think about how many adults still unconsciously seek the acceptance (sadly more often as the more tangible and distorted form of approval – read below) of their parents (and possibly older siblings). Speaking for myself (and I totally appreciate we’re all different), I could still, well into adulthood, feel a slight lift on the rare occasion my mother gave me praise – even though our values, outlook and priorities were completely different. It was registering at a very deep level as a conditional form of a little bit of acceptance!
Acceptance felt only through approval
Acceptance is unconditional and comes from love, approval is conditional and comes from judgement.
If a child only feels acceptable when they are doing the ‘right things’ and getting approval for them, feeling acceptable becomes deeply dependent on conditional approval instead of just existing as the wonderful individual are. A child is then usually motivated to seek approval by trying hard to only present the version of themselves that the adult appears to approve of.
Children who tend not to feel accepted as they are, are therefore more likely to continuously crave approval as seeking approval externally rarely delivers the feeling of acceptance the child is really perpetually searching for and not getting. (It’s the same in adulthood as the feelings continue replicate what was missing from our childhood). True self-acceptance is usually achieved through the work of therapy!
Moreover (there’s my daughter’s favourite essay word again) approval as praise can be damaging. Children appear to thrive on praise but it actually creates a sense that they are only loveable when they do what they are being praised for and unaccepted the rest of the time – thus the perpetual craving for the next bit of approval. Children (and adults!) really thrive on feeling totally accepted as they are.
When adults become more conscious of how deeply approval lands in a child’s psyche, they may choose their words more carefully, repair more quickly and worry less about shaping behaviour through approval and disapproval (see post on behaviour). The real gift an adult can give a child is leaving them with a sense that they don’t need to earn their right to belong. This gives them a grounding of solid self-worth.
Seeking approval/avoiding disapproval as a key motivation
I have already written about unconditional positive regard and how this results in authentic and integrated (feeling no need to present the façade they have been taught is the only acceptable one) adults. These adults seek less approval from external sources and can be satisfied by their own intrinsic motivations. This is a very healthy place to be (as long as we’re not a psychopath – who would never feel any need to seek anyone’s approval unless it somehow gave them status, power or control)!
It’s easy to see how when we’re able to shun gaining approval as a motivation, we will be driven to do what aligns with our true passions. That’s liberating. When gaining approval is no longer the driver, creativity, courage and integrity are more able to blossom!
Releasing ourselves from seeking approval as a motivation
Noticing our own approval-seeking (where it shows up, whose approval we unconsciously chase and what it costs us) can be profoundly freeing. Many adults are still trying to resolve old relational wounds by bringing their embedded and unrequited needs to workplaces, friendships, partners or public recognition. Seeing this clearly allows us to step out of the cycle, soften towards ourselves and offer the same acceptance inwardly that may once have been conditional. In doing so, we don’t just parent children differently, we begin to ‘parent’ ourselves differently too.
So next time you’re doing something, be curious about what you’re hoping for from anyone else involved.
