Sometimes when we converse with others, it’s magic! We feel ‘on the same wavelength’, we have a ‘meeting of minds,’ or we feel ‘like we have known someone forever’. Other times nothing much happens and occasionally we jar uncomfortably with others and our interactions falter to either awkwardness or occasionally offence.
There is so much at play when we interact with others (much of it unconscious), it’s a wonder interactions run as smoothly as often as they do! In meeting and interacting with a stranger for the first time or an acquaintance, for example, we might have different:
- emotional states
- amounts of emotional intelligence
- expectations of behaviour and conversation in the context we are in
- communications styles
- levels of social anxiety
- moods
- prejudices
- levels of extraversion
- needs from any conversation
- willingness to connect
- willingness to share information/levels of openness
- ability to focus
- sensitivities
- tendency to judge others
- articulation capabilities
- interests
- etc.
..and many of these will change for individuals at different times. (Obviously, the style of our conversations and the amount of effort we’re prepared to put in depends a lot upon context. Sometimes we’re motivated to be more attentive, formal or reserved – for example.)
So when interactions go wrong, what has happened? Aside from a conversation just fizzling out and losing gumption, the main reason for conversation going ‘wrong’ is that someone has taken offence. I am not talking about when a person sets out to be deliberately mean and abusive in some kind of retaliation or prejudice; I am talking about when offence has been taking when it was unintended. Maybe someone was clumsy with their words, maybe they took their humour too far for comfort, perhaps they made an accidental insinuation, possibly responded slightly off-course because of misunderstanding or stumbled unknowingly upon a sensitivity.
Of course if people interacted less, if they stuck to protocols of small-talk and omitted slightly intrusive explorations and humour, they might manage to never offend. But should that ever be an aim in itself?
If anyone ‘creates’ something: a piece of art, a performance, a musical composition, what they create might not be our ‘cup of tea’ or it might even cause a strong negative reaction in us but would we wish to criticise or shame the artist into never creating again? If conversation is an art form (it might be!), should it play safe or should it be an explorative tool for searching beyond the shallow? Is it wise to always tread carefully and keep things simple or to take risks to deepen connection – or something in-between?
A very wise friend of mine once said to me, ‘you can say whatever you like, as long as you’re prepared to let me challenge it.’ Think of the level of emotional intelligence going on there. She is happy with the risk that I could say something that could potentially trigger her discomfort, but she also knows she would not be too knocked off kilter to be able to come back with, how what was said, impacted on her thoughts and/or emotions. That’s someone being very ‘present’ in the conversation.
What I am leading up to saying is, maybe, in my ideal world, unintended offense would be the responsibility of the offended as much as the offender. I appreciate that might sound obvious to some, but maybe not to all, as I have witnessed much evidence of offence going awry.
Carl Jung said, ‘The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is a reaction, both are transformed. I might dare to say that this transformation could always be helpful if we were to employ curiosity rather than indignance, when offended.
It takes a degree of ‘presence’ to catch the moment of offence enough to pause and be curious, and not simply react. An unconsidered reaction has more chance of making a situation escalate and a potential drama unfold. However, if we do catch these moments, we’d not only increase our self-awareness we might find our interactions less of a potential minefield.
And in the case of discovering we have offended another, it is usually best to simply take responsibility for this and attempt to make amends – even if it is only an apology for the other’s upset that we never wanted them to feel and an possibly explanation of what we did mean.
However, if we’re feeling particularly sensitive, we might feel shame for being inaccurately positioned as the person ‘totally in the wrong’. This shame can prevent us from accepting our responsibility for clumsily upsetting another. We might react indignantly to their offence: deciding they have over-reacted, been far too sensitive and deliberately misunderstood. This way we stay ‘in the right’ and don’t have to face the shame or take responsibility. Its easy to see how things sometimes escalate!
In our curiosity, it can be beneficial to also consider the words we used that triggered offence. We might have a communication pattern that has a much higher chance of triggering offence. Are we prone to making judgements, accusations or assumptions? Do we sometimes deliver something in a dismissive or condescending tone or minimise someone’s suffering or pain? Might we sometimes be culturally insensitive? Do we block someone with our certainty? Do we find ourselves ineptly crossing common boundaries? Or might we sometimes be a little too direct and logical without any consideration for the emotional impact of what we are saying? (Although the opposite: indirect and unclear because of a lot of concern about emotional impact can become frustrating – like with most things, a balance is a good idea!)
Curiosity on both sides of any reaction will serve it well, help us learn and more quickly arrive at a place of acceptance and understanding for both ‘sides’.
After all, the need to enhance, maintain and promote relationships is probably the big picture aim that most of us would agree is beneficial in most situations. It can be easy to get caught up in feeling desperately misunderstood and needing ‘our side’ to be validated as the righteous one, so we lose sight of this simple aim.
And as a last word: you could also argue that once we bring a healthy curiosity to offence and understand our part in it more, eventually offence becomes more of a choice…and who would choose that!