Different approaches to supporting children’s behaviour

Published Categorized as behaviour, behaviour plan

Whenever I discuss supporting children’s behaviour with parents/carer and teachers, it often become apparent that most adults are muddling through! And why wouldn’t they? Life is busy and we are often in a perpetual state of being so reactive, it’s hard to get to the point of being proactive about anything much! However, just a little reflection can help adults shift their approach towards supporting children’s behaviour beneficially. In a nutshell (and very briefly put) here’s what we reflect on….

Back in the ‘old days’, children’s behaviour was usually oppressed using authoritarian approaches that meant children were scared, or sometime petrified, of the adults in their lives. This approach involved punishments, threats, blaming and shaming. It also dictated what children had to do and meant they had little voice or impact on what happened. This might well have worked to control behaviour but it did not help children learn how to self-regulate – or work out how to behave through their own consideration of ‘right and wrong’.

More recently there has been a tendency for some parents and carers to be more passive or ‘hands off’ in approach to behaviour. This approach is also far from ideal as it allows children to do whatever they wish and ignores the fact children don’t always behave in ways that are helpful. It means children are left without guidance. (An observation I have made about adults who are passive with respect to children’s behaviour is that when they are triggered by their child’s extreme behaviour, they tend to revert suddenly to authoritarian measures that replicate, maybe, what their parents did.

As with most things, a healthy ground can be found in a middle way: the authoritative one!

I often use the analogy of a speed camera to explain why authoritarian approaches are not in a child’s best interests and authoritative approaches are better. Take the example of the person in a rush, driving from one place to another. They are driving quickly, over the speed limit until they see a speed camera. For the duration of the time it takes to drive past the camera, the driver reduces their speed. As soon as they are past the camera, they resume their over-the-limit speed again.

The camera acts to oppress the speeding but not to address the attitude that lets it happen.   A more authoritative approach would help the driver understand why the speeding is dangerous. It would explain how driving above the speed limit increases the chance of fatalities should an accident happen. Speeding also makes the accident more likely. Getting full ‘buy in’ to the reasons for the more beneficial behaviour means the driver is more likely to learn to self-regulate.

The authoritative approach’s aim is to teach children positive and beneficial ways of behaving so they eventually learn to self-regulate. It fully accepts that children sometimes do things that are unhelpful and when this happens, need to be taught better ways of behaving. It does not use blaming, shaming, threats or punishments but works with children to understand what might be going on for them to trigger their unhelpful behaviours and points our better ways of behaving in a non-judgemental way, as if you’re problem solving together. It assumes the adult has greater responsibility (and wisdom) in addressing the behaviour but it does not use the power imbalance between an adult and a child to dominate and control.

The authoritative approach uses emotions to be curious, kind and empathetic when a child engages in unhelpful behaviour. It helps a child not only become more self-aware; it also helps them understand the effect their behaviour has on others. As with all things ‘behaviour’ it’s not something that will impact beneficially overnight, but consistent use of this approach helps children develop greater awareness and understanding of what they do and what might be better.

(I then go on to give adults lots of tools for approaching behaviour in an authoritative way – but I think I will save them for another blog post.)