Supposing someone called you stupid. How would you react?
Well, most of us would answer with, ‘it depends’ because it really does. But how conscious are we of all the things it might depend upon? Usually not very!
So let’s imagine this did happen: somebody called you stupid.
(For the purposes of this post, ‘You’re stupid,’ is said apropos nothing and in a monotone voice as I am exploring your possible reaction, not the intention of the person delivering these words!)
Well maybe the foundation from which your reaction will arise might be your baseline mood. And that might depend upon something as simple as how tired you are, how hungry you are, whether there is any other physical aspect causing you discomfort like a loud noise or a too hot room. It might also depend upon any niggles rattling around from recent history, like a disappointment you experienced yesterday or a degree of shame you felt because you made a bit of a fool of yourself that morning.
Or maybe there’s more than a background niggle. Maybe you’ve had a disastrous day so far. Maybe loads of things didn’t go to plan and you feel stressed and a bit ineffective. Maybe someone had literally just laughed at (not with) you and you’re still seething from the injustice of it all. You might be just about containing the explosion that a last straw could so easily ignite.
But that’s not all is it? What about the person who called you stupid? Are they a stranger that you could dismiss or could equally be completely indignant towards because they are exactly that – a stranger who has no right to call you names. Are they a vague acquaintance and therefore such a comment feels like it’s shockingly overstepping a boundary? Or worse still, are they someone you really admire and hanker for the respect of, so you feel doubly foolish? Or are they a close friend who is uttering these words with the secure, shared understanding and affection that can accompany the gentle mocking from someone who loves us?
As if that wasn’t enough to influence your reaction, there’s also that pesky head of yours. Aside from its tendency towards really noticing the negative and being almost expectant of it (the negativity bias), its interpretation of you being called stupid could well run awry. ‘How dare they?’ ‘Who do they think they are?’ or ‘How can they call me stupid when only last week they demonstrated the utmost in stupidity?’ Or more rattling still, we might harbour quite a weighty self-belief that we are actually stupid so their declaration cuts a direct route to trigger shame.
But there’s more! Some of us are wired with higher neuroticism than others. Neuroticism is our natural propensity for feeling negative emotions and unfortunately some people have more than their fair share of it. This will affect how such a comment is received. Some of us might also be more prone to anger and/or anxiety. Our angry brain will definitely put a different spin on the interpretation of the comment to our anxious one but it could be argued that neither would be helpful.
And then there is just ‘what we have always done’: the response that is loaded with our personal history (and not simply what just happened in front of us) because being called stupid triggers echoes from our distant past that we haven’t made conscious or addressed. The reaction of the small child who wasn’t helped to feel safe while managing their strong emotions and needed to become defensive or controlling to protect themselves.
When we feel affronted we might not have the wisdom needed to step back a little, slow things down and see that maybe this person is just having a bad day, this person doesn’t really mean it, there’s plenty of evidence we’re not really stupid or even that we might have used the same comment towards someone else in similar circumstances!
So?
This is where the drive to develop emotional intelligence (EQ) steps in. It simply asks us to notice our emotions and reactions and be curious about them. It helps us fill in the backstory of our reactions. It asks us to resist our initial impulses that are very likely to make us react outwardly and often harmfully towards others (or possibly ourselves) and make the situations worse. It also asks us to develop the self-awareness to make emotions about ourselves and not blame others for them as, after all, how can another person be responsible for all these factors contributing to your reaction?
Some might reframe EQ as not letting the ego rule us, others might say it’s about mindfulness in our responses and others might say it’s about detaching yourself enough from the grip of an emotion so that you can observe it rather than let it consume and control you. But however it is framed, it’s certainly something that can help everyone be more flexible in their responses, resist repetitive reactions that do not serve you well and generally find life a whole lot easier!
So – next time you feel a reaction brewing, try and catch it in the moment and unpick it with a little curiosity!
