It would be extremely unlikely for anyone to get through life without anything ‘bad’ ever happening to them. We might lose our wallet/purse, have something stolen, make a mistake that ‘costs’ us something (socially or financially), have something we were looking forward to cancelled or get a parking ticket! But how ‘bad’ these things are depend a lot upon our attitude towards them. I know this sounds obvious but how often do we actually practice being curious about our thinking and emotional reactions and reframe them beneficially so we can ‘let go’ of them more quickly?
Take getting a parking ticket, for example. I am sure most of us would not choose to spend our money on a parking fine – there are undoubtedly better things you could do with your money. However, some resignation to these ‘life inconveniences’ being inevitable can help reframe them. They are like an annoying background life-tax that, if we accept as inevitable, are likely to have less emotional impact.
I also think when ‘bad things happen, it helps to focus more readily just on the practicalities (if there are any) and sort them out – preferably quickly – so you can forget the whole thing and move on. A good move towards preventing emotional rumination and ‘kicking yourself’ is to just think about what practically needs to be done and get on and do it. It’s not great that this inconvenience came along but it’s potentially made far worse if you let your inner voice give you a substantial and lingering berating. A reframing that: ‘it’s done now, I can’t undo it, I will sort out the practicalities and move on’ – makes the event leave a far less potent imprint on your wellbeing.
An even further reframe is to do your best to find a positive spin on what happened.
I’ll give a personal example. Before Christmas, my bike was stolen. (I use my bike all the time.) I received sympathy from the friends I had been with and they were surprised at how well I took it. To be honest, in my younger days I would have ruminated over this, been upset by it, possibly re- remembered it several times so it re-triggered uncomfortable emotions and possibly even extrapolated it with expanded negative thinking beyond the facts of what just happened. I started by just accepting it had happened.
Next I was practical. What did I need to do in response to this? The first thing was getting home. Not overly a problem as it is a walkable distance. Secondly, get a new (second-hand bike). But also, I did manage to think:
- I am in a privileged position where I can afford another bike.
- My new bike was a dream because the (second-hand) bike shop I bought it from fix them up nicely!
- I have a better bike lock and I’ve learned not to park my bike in that place again.
- I am glad I don’t live a life where I had somehow ended up resorting to stealing bikes.
So in a nutshell:
- Accept rubbish things happen sometimes.
- When they do, don’t waste time in disbelief and ‘kicking yourself’ and focus on what problems need solving practically as a result of what happened -and resign yourself to getting on with them.
- Put a positive spin on the situation – even if it just means you learnt not to park somewhere!
