This simple little tip can help children develop their emotional intelligence as it helps them to ‘own’ their feelings. You see when someone does something that induces an emotional response we tend to say,
‘You made me sad/angry/feel humiliated etc’
However, a better way to learn to express our feelings would be to say,
“When people do X, I feel Y”
You can also add an extra sentence that explains either the impact of what happened on you or what you’re like to happen.
eg: I feel angry when people push in front of me in the queue because I have to wait longer. OR I feel angry when people push in front of me in the queue. I need you to get to the back of the line and queue like we all did.
The reality is your emotional response is your unique reaction. Another person might have had a completely different emotional response to that same situation. What’s more, the person you are talking to cannot really challenge how you feel, whereas they are more likely to become defensive and challenge your response when you accuse them of causing your emotional state.
So if a child says, ‘you made me angry,’ you can help them change it to, “When I can’t have an ice cream, I feel disappointed.” This helps your child to:
1) Understand that emotional responses come from within (albeit often as a reaction to something external).
2) Link cause to effect
3) Express their feelings in a way that does not make the feelings somebody else’s responsibility and therefore they ‘own’ their emotions. If we blame others for our emotions, we manoeuvre ourselves into the position of victim because we believe others cause our emotions and therefore we have no control over them. Claim emotions as our own and we’re more likely to learn to manage them.
4) Express their feelings in a way that is less confrontational and more likely to get a calm response from others.
5) Start the process of reflecting upon their emotional responses and coping strategies to address them.
6) Help others understand the impact of their actions on you. Because ‘I messages’ are less confrontational than saying, ‘you annoyed me’ for example, they are more likely to invite someone to empathise with you.
However, it does take a degree of emotional intelligence to use ‘I messages’ as outlined in my blog post: It takes emotional intelligence to be assertive!
Or more detailed I messages for behaviour management can be constructed like this…
What child is doing, how you feel, the impact of the behaviour OR what you need to happen.
