I created the ‘spectrum’ above when considering how we can become kinder towards others. (I don’t consider it my ‘wisdom’ but just my conceptual construction to illustrate it!) It shows what shifts when we move from an egoic, separate, individualistic identity (at the left end), towards a sense where we see humanity as completely interconnected (at the right end). I think it’s easy to see the impact such a shift has on our interactions – but I also see that this ‘wisdom’ is rarely acknowledged wholeheartedly – certainly not in the west.
We can all sit somewhere on this spectrum at different times in our lives, different circumstances and even on different days. I suspect some of us start out naturally kinder than others, some of us are perpetually striving (and often failing) to move ‘rightwards’, some of us might have stagnated somewhere and some of us might not even have considered the idea of being kinder or what its ‘point’ would be. We all have different starting points, capacity for movement and face in different directions along this spectrum – depending no doubt on our basic wiring and experiences.
Comments on the left end of this spectrum
The extremity of this end of the spectrum represents people who are extremely egoic, self-focused and individualistic. Such people can have the ability to ‘other’ people to the point of no longer seeing their humanity. Their ‘othering’ and complete lack of empathy can lead to the worst happenings – especially when power is added into the equation: the many genocides that have occurred throughout history and are still happening, for example. These people are motivated by self-interest and see little or no connection to anyone unless it serves some purpose for them. Fortunately, these people are rare, but unfortunately a significant number of them navigate themselves into positions of power. These people undoubtedly delude themselves that they are happy, right and justified – and/or don’t have the capacity to care.
I suspect that those who end up here, arrived via a mix of nature and ‘anti’-nurture, having not developed any agreeableness, ability to empathise or a positive moral code. Some might have arrived here through a start in life that left them with extreme mistrust, anger and hatred. I noticed that children I have taught that came from extremely challenging backgrounds often had a very limited ability to empathise. It’s not surprising as if you experience threat (as well as your needs rarely being met) your sense of survival is bound to centre around the need to defensively serve yourself first and foremost.
I would never condone the destructive behaviour of such people, just accept some understanding for how someone could end up here. We can have understanding for why someone is like they are, but still be totally justified in challenging or preventing their actions.
In the middle
Most of us are found here. We balance self-interest with some selflessness, depending upon situation, mood, fragility, values, fear, openness etc. Fear and threat can make us focus on protecting or defending our own interests, but when we feel positive, content and happy, we might be more inclined to focus on helping others.
Most of us wish to be ‘kind’ but don’t always manage it. Our negative emotions might sometimes get the better of us and trigger us to react in harmful ways. We might read situations incorrectly and in an error of judgement end up doing the ‘wrong’ thing. And of course, sometimes our positive intentions are simply misunderstood – kind intention does not guarantee something is received as kindness. Humans are delightfully complex after all!
Comments about the right end of this spectrum
I guess the main point of this post is there is a greater chance of kindness being delivered and received when we have greater acceptance of, and feeling of connection to, ‘others’.
To truly be accepting of everyone, we understand (and deeply sense) people have arrived at how they are because of their individual circumstance and wiring. This requires the forgiveness that comes from understanding that everyone is just trying to do what they believe is ‘best’ – even when that ‘best’ is disastrous or harmful. Understanding goes a lot further than judgement and blame. When we try to ‘understand’ we are more likely to want to solve problems than angrily penalise or retaliate against someone.
Moreover (my daughter’s favourite essay word), in person-centred counselling, total acceptance of how a person is, is deemed a necessary component of them having any chance of seeing themselves as they truly are and therefore any chance of addressing their unhelpful behaviours. This makes sense as non-acceptance/negative judgement can trigger a defensiveness that will usually cause a person to deny, distort or justify their behaviour – to make to it acceptable to themselves.
I remember many years ago reading about a team-building activity that asked people to share their biggest challenges in childhood. The author described it as the best way to instantly bond a team and help members overcome their difficulties with any personalities they found challenging. The reason for this was once the difficulties everyone faced in childhood were known, everyone could more readily employ allowances and be forgiving of the unhelpful behaviours of others. I have never used this activity as I felt it could be a little reckless in a day’s training but I can see how in theory it could bring about positive changes in attitudes towards each other.
Instead of negatively judging another, I like the somewhat antiquated phrase, ‘there but for the grace of god go I.’ Can we really ever look at another person’s struggles and be unable to imagine a circumstance where we could have ended up in the same situation? It is humbling to remember that life could dish up a challenge that could wobble our foundations severely, at any moment.
Further still though, beyond acceptance of others, comes a feeling of interconnectedness with all of humanity. When we see what links us together more dominantly than the idea that we are completely separate individuals, it’s far easier to feel compassion, risk trust above fear and instigate an openness towards others. And of course, when we do this, we become kinder.
***
P.S. I had just drawn this spectrum when I came across this brilliant description of increasing kindness to all. It’s from Buddhist teaching – on how to overcome the ego’s need to be affronted, offended, vengeful…
Adopting the attitude of the physician written by Matthieu Ricard in his book, ‘Altruism’
Extended altruism (that which goes beyond our nearest and dearest) does not depend upon the behaviour of the people it is directed toward, since it operates at a more fundamental level. It manifests itself when we become fully aware of the fact that beings behave in a harmful way because they are under the sway of ignorance and the mental poisons that ignorance engenders. We are then able to move beyond our instinctive reactions when faced with the behaviour of malevolent people, since we understand that it does not differ in any way from the behaviour of the mentally ill person attacking those around him: we then act like a physician. If a patient suffering from mental disturbances strikes the doctor examining him, the latter won’t hit back but, on the contrary, seek best ways to cure him from his madness.
At first sight, it may seem incongruous to treat an enemy with kindness: ‘He wants to harm me, why should I wish him well?’ But Buddhism’s reply is simple, ‘Because he doesn’t want to suffer either, because he too is under the sway of ignorance. Because this ignorance makes him harm others.’ True altruism consists of wishing that the harm-doer become aware of his deviance and this stop harming his fellow beings. This reaction, which is the opposite of the wish to avenge and punish by inflicting more suffering, is not a sign of weakness, but of wisdom.
Also
‘No matter how mean or hideous a man’s life is, the first thing is to understand him. ‘ – Alfie Kohn
‘If we practise and eye for an eye or a tooth for a tooth, soon the whole world will be blind and toothless’ – Mahatma Gandhi