Except for the psychopaths and highly avoidant amongst us (!) most of us have been rattled directly by shame to a greater or lesser degree.
Strong shame is the feeling we get when something (sometimes just a thought in our minds) reduces us to feeling like we are worthless and we catastrophising-ly go on to convince ourselves that everyone else must think this too. It can happen when we mess up, when another has caught us out for doing something wrong or stupid (or we perceive they perceive this!) or if someone says something that touches upon something we are already sensitive about.
When shame is really strong (at toxic levels!), it can metaphorically floor us as we feel utterly worthless. It can grip us in a state of overwhelming self-consciousness, some self-loathing, some squirmy and jarring cringing, awkward embarrassment, a sort of all-consuming disappointment in ourselves and strong feelings of rejection.
Like many emotions, shame is not triggered in everyone by the same stimuli or to the same degree. Whether something triggers our shame or not can depend on many things, such as:
- Our relationship with anyone else involved in the situation
- How big the ‘audience’ was to whatever triggered our shame
- Our general wellbeing and e.g. how tired/hungry/uncomfortable/resilient we are feeling
- How sensitive we are about any ‘weakness’ that we perceive has been exposed or called out
- Generally how good our self-worth, self awareness and resilience are
- How much self-compassion we can employ
- How happy we are to ‘let things go’, laugh at ourselves, not be in control and accept messing up is a normal part of being human.
- If there is any cumulative effect (e.g. we were feeling self-doubt or a bit rubbish about ourselves already)
Shame is not an emotion many of us have very consciously on our radar. It’s not often talked about. Because of this, it can make us react in ways that ‘mess up’ a situation further (which can of course trigger even more shame in us). Different people respond to shame in different ways and the same person will respond to it differently each time but we might find ourselves:
- feeling unable to explain ourselves,
- suddenly withdrawing,
- torturing ourselves by ruminating about just how awful we are,
- Fixating on what we did and ruminating about it to perpetuate the torture
- Fixating on what we ‘should’ have done
- Desperately seeking to make everything better and making ourselves submissive
But some of the worst responses in terms of a lack of self-awareness and reacting to other people include:
- Becoming defensive and aggressively justifying our actions or
- Covering up shame by going on the offensive and attacking others.
- Denying or distorting what happened to alleviate the shame and take no responsibility for what happened.
- Being arrogant and making any problem another’s fault.
So how do we start to manage shame well?
A shame-tied person has to work hard to make their ‘emotional processes’ conscious enough to manage them well. As with all emotions, we need to improve our awareness of what is going on for us when we feel shame. This starts by being aware that this emotion has been triggered, and resisting the impulse to engaging in any automatic reaction – especially those that will make a situation worse. To do that we need to sit with, acknowledge and endure the uncomfortableness of feeling shame. We could focus on where we feel it in our bodies or even just give a nod of acknowledgement, ‘oh there you are shame!’
We then need to look at what triggered the shame. Did we actually do something wrong e.g. told a lie (and then been caught out!) or has the shame been triggered by the idea of how we might be judged for doing something that was just a bit foolish? (e.g. we might have done something that others will have perceived as stupid.) If it’s the latter, we need to reframe what happened (‘everyone makes mistakes’) and show some self-compassion (‘don’t be so hard on yourself’).
But if we have done something wrong or inconsiderate, fully accepting and taking responsibility is the best course even though accepting the shame this triggered can be painful. Trying to protect ourselves from any shame by justifying what we did (a common response) or even denying we did something, is unhelpful. In fully accepting responsibility, we can transfer the feeling of shame into that of guilt so we are driven to make amends.
I have written about shame before but I am revisiting it because I am so often surprised about how much it is overlooked, even though it’s impact can be quite destructive!
Afterthought: Working with children who need a lot of support with their behaviour and who often have very low self-worth, means navigating their shame response very carefully. Once triggered (and this could happen in a situation that would be considered ‘low threshold’ for most), their defensive mechanisms kick in easily and this is nearly always destructive (either towards others or themselves). This is why judging or blaming these children for their behaviour never works. They need support to manage this uncomfortable emotion – that they are feeling really intensely.
