Supposing I said to you any or all of the following – what would your reaction be to each of them?
(If I happen to have chosen a selection of things you have no strong opinion about, think of something else you feel strongly about and imagine someone contradicting it!)
I appreciate that you might respond with, ‘it depends’ to some of these but which statements would you react to most strongly if you met someone and they actually said it to you directly? Do any of the statements make you feel: agitated, angry, indignant, outraged, pity or dismissive? etc. Would any of the statements make you assume the person who said it was stupid, pompous, deluded, ignorant, selfish, thoughtless or foolish? etc.
And what would you actually do or say in response to someone saying one of these statements? Might you change the subject, ignore or gloss-over what was said? Might you say, that’s an interesting viewpoint? Might you laugh? Would you nod, take a mental note, then hope you never encountered the person again? Might you go and moan to someone else about what was said? Might you aggressively attack the viewpoint – or the person? Might you go looking for someone who agrees with you to restore your sense of what’s right in the world? Or might you discuss the viewpoint, with genuine interest, further?
I have to admit to finding our responses fascinating.
Here I speculate: if someone says something we agree with, we can feel like we connect over that agreement. The common ground can make us feel like the person is ‘our kind of person’. So is the converse always true: that when we disagree, we feel some degree of separation or alienation from the person who said the thing we disagree with because ‘they’re obviously not our kind of person’? Or worse still, do we sometimes automatically dismiss that person?
I ask because I dare to assume that whatever someone’s ‘truth’ or opinion is, surely in an ideal world, we’d always prioritise our connection or potential connection with someone over our need for our opinion not to be disagreed with. I mean you would think so. I see enough polarisation (and even intolerance of speculation) to realise this isn’t always the case.
Why can we get offended when someone doesn’t agree with us? Why do we exercise conformation bias and almost unconsciously and automatically dismiss facts or opinions that don’t fall within what we already think or believe? Why do we try to change people’s minds despite evidence that we rarely can? Why do we struggle to let new factual information in once our mind is made up? Why can differences of opinion sometimes trigger us emotionally? Perhaps it’s because we are so ego-identified with our opinions and our versions of the truth such that disagreements feel like a personal affront that then can trigger shame.
So what might be the process of maintaining a truly open mind? I am bound to say it’s partly down to emotional intelligence and the awareness it brings (aren’t I?). With respect to opinions, I think it’s about becoming aware of your reaction when someone says something you don’t agree with and making your reaction conscious. Next could come a curiosity about the person’s journey to have arrived at their opinion. This could be seen as a learning opportunity and a point of interest rather than something to be dismissed. A conversation meeting people and showing an interest in ‘where they are at’ is connecting and often avoids the usual polarisation where nobody really listens or learns anything. Having conversation where you acceptingly ‘meet in the middle’ is far more engaging than staying rigidly and firmly down your end of the argument. To meaningfully discuss something often needs a degree of emotion management – especially if views are quite different.
It’s also good to note that we tend to like certainty. Ambiguity is more uncomfortable than being sure for many people. The reality is we can’t all be right about everything. We are likely to think our version of the truth is truer for sure – because we know our facts and where we got them from. I don’t think it ever hurts to ask, ‘Could this be true?’, ‘How did this person come to this conclusion?’ or tell yourself, ‘I can learn something here’. As let’s face it, we are likely to learn more from those we disagree with than those we agree with.
Afterthought…..
I realise that I have the opinion and/or have made the assumption that an open mind is a good thing. I know it’s easier to have a closed mind. I also know that a truly open mind is less likely to judge, less likely to make assumptions, more able to use information flexibly and happy to speculate: all things listed as benefits of emotional intelligence.
Afterthought 2….
In my idea world, philosophising and questioning our own views and how we came by them would be encouraged!
Afterthought 3 ….
I feel like I have arrived at a point where opinions are sort of meaningless as I feel they are (or rather should be) in a perpetual state of flux as we learn new information or think about things further. For me, an opinion is my current point of arrival, with further journey always possible!