In a nutshell- some reminders:
Stay calm
I appreciate this is a tall order sometimes and it does require emotional intelligence on your part. When our child is ‘misbehaving’ there’s nearly always a strong emotion driving their behaviour. The last thing they need is for us to add our emotion into the bursting ‘pot’. Children need us to be the steady rock so we give out the impression that whatever the situation is, ‘we’ve got this and it is surmountable!’ When we ‘lose it’, we give the impression the situation is not something that can be calmly dealt with. When we stay calm, our children will more quickly learn to self-regulate and more quickly learn better ways of expressing their needs.
Be a behaviour detective
Remember that behaviour is communicating something: a need, a strong emotion, a struggle, overwhelm, a vulnerability, an inability to manage a situation. As the adult, we are here to help with this and we can best do this by becoming a behaviour detective. Rather than trying to ‘squash’ the behaviour, we need to try and work out what is driving it.
Fish out and validate emotions
Speculate what might be going on for your child emotionally. You might say:
‘I notice you always struggle when…’
‘I wonder if you’re feeling….’
‘I can see you’re angry. I might feel angry too if..’
This helps your child feel understood, link emotions to triggers and more readily work out what they are struggling with. Ultimately this also helps them understand that there are better ways of having their needs met.
Be forward-focused
Sometimes we lock horns with the unhelpful behaviour and tell our child off – a little too persistently – for what they did. We might focus on this for a while – possibly angrily (maybe like our parents/carers/teachers did). It’s better to focus much less on what your child did ‘wrong’ and more on the more desirable behaviour. This not only triggers less shame, it also makes it clear to your child what would be better. (Sometimes ‘the better behaviour’ might seem obvious to us – but for some children they might genuinely believe their behaviour was justified and not be clear about what would have been better.)
This positive focus usually feels better for adults as well. It also helps us fine-tune what the problem is and what would help.
Make the next step clear and maintain boundaries.
Never back down because your child is dysregulated or they will learn that big expression of emotion, makes the adult ‘back down’. Instead make it clear what needs to happen next and persist with this. You can soothe your child’s distress but still maintain clarity about the required next step. The best way to do this is to use the phrase, ‘When you’re ready.’
Stay patient. Check in with your child now and then by asking, ‘Are you ready yet? I will help when you are’. It can also be helpful at this stage to ‘break the trance’ if your child has dug their heels in with resistance. Sometimes even offering a glass of water can do this!
Problem-solve
This is not possible with every single behaviour but it’s ideal with persistent behaviours. Once everyone is calm, state to your child that behaviour X is causing difficulties. Speculate the possible reasons behind the behaviour and listen to their reasons for their behaviour. Next take time to find out what their specific needs might be and problem solve together to see if you can find a way to address their need so it prevents the drive of the unhelpful behaviour. Children love this opportunity to work things out and it gives the message that you trust them to take some responsibility for what they do.
Remember behaviour is best addressed both reactively and proactively
There is what you do reactively in the moment when a child behaves unhelpfully, and there are proactive measures you can take to investigate and support the behaviour. Here’s one example:
When I talk to parents/carers/teachers – I give a toolkit of reactive and proactive tools for addressing unhelpful behaviours but I will leave them for another post.