Some children do a lot of falling out with others – including friends. Likewise, so do some adults.
With some children I often find myself mostly challenging their tendency to engage in ‘splitting’. Splitting is where a child does black and white thinking such that their former friend is only as good as the last thing they did. Once someone does something to trigger their upset, this person simply becomes ‘bad’ and they refuse to bring into focus all the positive reasons why they were friends in the first place. This can be done quite stubbornly by some children (and adults).
When two people fall out with each other, depending upon how much unresolved trauma they carry or how ‘self-aware’/‘conscious’ they are, they might:
- Hold on to the ‘affront’, indignantly needing for themselves to be right and the other person to be absolutely in the wrong.
- Refuse to afford the other person the generosity of understanding that they might have been having a bad day, might have just got things wrong that day, might be unaware of the impact of their behaviour, might be feeling fearful and vulnerable themselves for some reason (and engaging in protective behaviours they are not aware of) and are just muddling through the best they can like all of us! We all have good and not so good bits!
- Make assumptions (more back and white thinking) that any future encounters will mean that person will behave unreasonably. This causes fearful anticipation which results in the person being poised to be triggered easily with protective behaviours at the ready (e.g. defensiveness, becoming controlling, ‘playing’ victim, gaslighting etc.)
- Refuse to see the part both parties have in maintaining the troublesome situation or dynamic as it’s far easier to simply blame the other person. It really does take two to tango and all that!
- Be ‘scared’ and avoidant, not wanting to risk the emotional discomfort that might be inevitable in the process of trying to resolve the issues.
- Identify strongly with being a victim – sometimes giving up any agency or idea that they can have any impact on the situation.
- Demonise the other person so that they refuse to acknowledge any of the other person’s positives. (Splitting) In extreme cases of this I have seen every action of the demonised person interpreted as ‘bad’ or distorted to be so.
- Struggle to be aware of how any of the above are unhelpful and feel like such approaches are totally justified.
- Not see such situations as opportunities to learn and grow or accept that others can learn and change also.
In the light of the above list, I think the following is useful when facing an encounter with someone you have fallen out with who you once got on with. This advice can be simplified to help children (and used to help adults).
- Stay in the moment as much as you possibly can.
- Avoid making assumptions or fearfully anticipating anything negative.
- If negative emotions are triggered in you, resist the urge to blame the other person for what they have triggered. These emotions are your responsibility not theirs. (Remember, this person probably doesn’t trigger the same response in everyone – they are pressing a button unique to you).
- Look out for behaviours that you resort to when you feel ‘threatened’ and try to resist them (e.g. being dismissive, insulting, catastrophising, railroading to keep control, perpetuating adrenaline-fuelled drama, shouting, blaming, refusing to listen, telling others what they should do, insisting the other person was simply wrong.)
- If the other person behaves unreasonably, try hard not to react. They, like you, probably feel deeply misunderstood and have strong emotions. There is most chance of unhelpful dynamics ‘shifting’ if you manage to make them feel heard – even if what they are saying feels like you, yourself, have been totally misunderstood (and chances are you have, few of us set out to upset). Accepting another’s take on a situation can be hard to swallow, but it is true for them at that point in time. They can only update their information once you have accepted their viewpoint so they become placated enough to give you the chance to share yours.
- Be curious about what has been triggered in you: your thoughts and your emotions. Observe them, acknowledge them and totally accept them. Once we do this we become ‘braver’ at doing things that risk uncomfortable emotions being triggered and manage situation more resourcefully. Sitting with and accepting emotions means we are less likely to react in the heat of the moment (which usually makes situations worse) and more likely to respond carefully. This is especially necessary in conflicts.
- Aim really hard to listen first and speak second.
- Aim for any emotional hurt of both parties to be alleviated by better understanding of each other. This requires active listening – hopefully from both parties. If the other person struggles with this, a mediator is a good idea.
- Sometimes it is down to one person in a conflict to humbly change their approach to shift a dynamic away from stubbornly locking horns. If one of you can do this, it is often enough.
- Don’t assume that the relationship will return to what it once was. In fact, if the dynamic was troublesome or unhealthy in some ways, ideally the relationship will shift to better place as a result of carefully listening to each other with an open mind and a willingness to take any new learning on board.
- Use what you have observed to increase self-awareness and learn how to manage situations better next time.
I remember many years ago my brother once saying that if you have fallen out with someone, meditate on a vision of you getting on with that person again. If this is really difficult, it can help to work out what you are holding on to that causes you to resist the idea of making up again – as this will be working against any motivation for reconciliation.
I do feel with ‘cancel culture’ and emotional fragility we are perhaps encouraged with the easier route of just avoiding someone rather than doing the necessary, and often uncomfortable, work needed to arrive in a better place of understanding. It does require emotional bravery but everyone feels better after a reconciliation and it also helps to remember that!
N.B. Some relationships/friendships end for good reasons (abuse, imbalance, developing different priorities, people changing/growing apart etc.) and I am not referring to such situations.