Many years ago, I used to wonder why books about emotional intelligence nearly always included a chapter on assertiveness. As time went on, however, I grew to see that the inability to be assertive can lead us into all kinds of negative emotions and unhelpful behaviours – such as:
- Putting up with a breach of our boundaries and then possibly moaning or sulking over what happened.
- Letting things build up in disbelief and assuming someone should know better – then possibly ‘exploding’.
- Avoiding or ignoring someone because we don’t want to deal with an issue affecting the relationship between us.
- Passive aggression: going along with something we don’t really want to do but metaphorically dragging our heels or disrupting things with negativity.
It is obvious to see how being assertive would prevent any need for these behaviours as we would nip any potential ‘affronts’ in the bud before we started to build up resentment over what had happened. However, in order to be assertive, we have to become aware of the times when such an approach would be the most beneficial course of action. Sadly for many of us, this was not encouraged and we tend to revert to the well-trodden behaviours above, perhaps a little scared of how uncomfortable being assertive would feel and assuming it would not be an effective way of managing situations.
Quite often most of us don’t notice an ‘affront’ in the moment it happens. We might just sense an unsettledness and it’s only when we go away and think about a situation that we realise we are unhappy about something. While the ‘gold star’ of emotional intelligence would mean we noticed the issue in the moment it came up, it really does not matter if there is a delay. We can nearly always still address the situation assertively.
So how do we go about being assertive? I have blogged previously about I messages as a way for children to express a need assertively. They work just as well for adults – although I have noticed some adults feel vulnerable expressing their feelings. There are other ways of being assertive but the main rule is that you are trying to express your needs or concerns without ‘affronting’ anyone else. This is best done by making your needs clear by referring to the effect the situation has on you and/or what you would prefer. It might be with a simple: I struggle when people don’t listen, I need that to be made more clear, I need you to help, I feel uncomfortable about what you have asked or I won’t be able to manage that because….
Often our fear about being assertive is that uncomfortable emotions will be triggered – mostly a fear of a ‘return attack’. This is a valid fear as many of us are not used to being approached by someone being assertive and we might well respond defensively. (The approach that can work well for when this happens is to actively listen to the person’s defensiveness, let them air their concerns and then you return to your original assertion as outlined. If your assertion is reasonable, it will eventually be digested!) Of all the approaches, being assertive is the healthiest one and the one most likely to prevent further unhelpful behaviours and end up with a positive outcome. Also, and not to be overlooked, when we are assertive, we do often feel proud of ourselves!
Another aspect of employing assertiveness that I have noticed is that it makes you focus on ‘affronts’ and how valid they are – or not! This can sometimes help you realise that what is being done or not done is actually not overly offensive (e.g. someone has made a reasonable request of us that we’re just not keen on). When we employ the behaviours above, they mean we can choose to indignantly hold on to a negative judgement about someone else’s behaviour, our judgement will remain ‘behind the scenes’ and therefore it can’t be challenged. This is very human and just another application of the ego’s quirky need to consider itself better (behaved) than others and it can be uncomfortable to admit to ourselves that we ever do such a thing!
So next time you feel some resentment or indignation, first check to see if what’s happened is a real ‘affront’ so you can get on and challenge it assertively!