This post looks at Carl Rogers’ personality theory and how part of it relates significantly to our parenting/caring of children.
The impact of conditions-of-worth
Part of Carl Rogers’ personality theory includes the concept of ‘conditions-of-worth’. These are basically the conditions most of us had to fulfil as a child in order to get our significant adults’ (usually parents) approval and avoid their disapproval. This seems like a straightforward idea. However, as parents, seldom do we consider the effect of what we give our children approval or praise for or what will receive our disapproval, a reprimand or criticism.
On face value, conditions-of-worth seem like a positive thing as they can help a young child learn what is socially acceptable and what isn’t. For example, being polite can get approval while hitting another child will not. Most of us were brought up with praise and criticism that made what was ‘allowed’ and what wasn’t, very clear!
Unfortunately though, if we inadvertently – through praise and criticism – give our children the message that they are only lovable if they……..(insert behaviour or achievement)…….our children can end up suppressing the emotions, desires, thoughts and behaviour they naturally want to engage in. They end up stifling aspects of themselves in order to get approval and try to be something they are not. They start to present a version of themselves to their significant adults that is different from their true selves.
Most of us in early childhood, with little awareness, created what we considered an acceptable façade that others would approve of based on the ‘guidance’ our parents/significant adults gave us. Hiding aspects of our true selves in the depths of the shame-guarded, unconscious, while presenting what we perceive to be acceptable to the world, is described by Carl Rogers as being incongruent. Incongruence understandably causes internal conflict.
The approvals and disapprovals we received as a child also meant we started to carry round an internal list of shoulds and musts, that efforts to adhere to, caused anxiety, as we tried to be what were not. This also meant we developed a tendency to judge others with these same shoulds. It’s all quite uncomfortable stuff as it creates a set of incongruent, often unconscious, self-inflicted rules that can for some, last a lifetime!
It’s also worth noting that children in an environment where much approval and disapproval is given, will always prioritise getting approval over their own internal drives and urges. If children are frequently on the hunt for acceptance because it is very hard to come by, their self-esteem will become very dependent upon approval from others. This can stay with a person well into adulthood.
Unconditional positive regard (UPR)
If approval and/or acceptance is conditional (only given when the conditions-of-worth are met) then we do not give our children unconditional positive regard (UPR). UPR can be thought of as loving our children for who they are rather than what they do or don’t do. Without UPR, children are likely to continuously crave approval. If your child feels your love unconditionally – regardless of how they behave, this craving will be less and your child’s self-esteem is likely to be healthy.
It makes sense to me therefore that if unconditional approval/positive regard is what a child needs to feel a connection with their parent and consequently keep self-esteem intact, disapproval (and failing to achieve approval) is shame inducing, experienced negatively and potentially as a disconnect from the parent and a knock to their self-esteem.
How do we teach children what’s acceptable?
So if we are to teach our children to behave in socially acceptable ways, how can we do this without damaging our relationship with them and their self-esteem? Or to use an example, if a child scribbles all over the wall and thinks you’re going to like what they have done, how can we prevent them from doing it again without making them feel slightly rejected or less loved?
Well I think the answer lies mostly in our basic parenting approach, and to some extent, our reactive response to any ‘misdemeanour’.
Proactive – UPR
With our ‘parenting approach’, it hinges very much on how much unconditional positive regard our children receive. Unconditional positive regard reduces the need for approval from external sources as it gives a child a more stable, internal, sense of worth.
Proactively giving unconditional positive regard is like a mindset. It’s about making your child feel accepted and loved as they are – ‘warts and all’! It is the bedrock of solid self-esteem. Our ability to deliver this kind of parenting, unless we have consciously worked upon it, will almost definitely depend on the kind of parenting we received ourselves as child. The old adage, ‘we can’t give what we haven’t got ourselves,’ rings true here. The mindset towards a child for unconditional positive regards is along the lines of:
- I love you whatever you do
- You will make mistakes but that won’t stop me loving you.
- I am happy to just ‘be’ with you.
- I will initiate contact with you because I want to be with you.
- I enjoy you for being you.
- You are important to me.
- I will be very ‘present’ when I am with you so you feel my wish to connect.
- I will listen to what you say and show you understanding.
- I will accept what you feel and validate it.
- You don’t need my approval as you have my love.
A child experiencing this mindset from a parent/carer, will feel securely loved. This child is likely to grow up to become an adult who needs less external approval than a child who doesn’t receive this. This child will also, almost certainly, experience less damage from shame if they receive any ‘corrections’ in behaviour. This child is also more likely to simply be compliant as the healthy connection to their significant adults has proven to be reliable and consistent.
With the absence of any unconditional positive regard, a child could feel, at a deep level, that they have no right to exist. The opposite is therefore also true: unconditional positive regard gives you self-approval purely for existing!
Reactive – shame management
So how do you deal reactively (in the moment) with your child when s/he has scribbled on the wall and is looking for your approval?
To answer this, I refer to my many years of experience teaching children with emotional and behavioural difficulties. I think careful ‘shame management’ is needed. I think it is OK to let a child know that scribbling all over the wall is not appropriate or helpful by to stating clearly (and kindly) how scribbling on the wall affects you:
‘I struggle when you scribble on the wall, as it means I will have to clean it up.’ You could also offer the positive alternative of scribbling on paper. Next, and this part is important, make reparations for any damage, however small, that slightly shaming experience triggered in your child. You could hug your child! This gives the clear message that it was the behaviour you found difficult, not the child. Because you can challenge the behaviour but still love the child of course.
Last point -awareness of what gets approval and disapproval!
A further point about conditions or worth, though, is to say that because they are not often thought about, some can actually be issued unconsciously, relate to outdated social conditioning and do long term ‘damage’. These questions might help you consider this.
- What did you get approval for when you were a child? (You might be continuing these conditions of worth with your own children or you might have completely rebelled and done the opposite!)
- Can you think of examples of conditions of worth that could result in an adult with conditioned behaviour that could limit them, cause them distress or prevent them from reaching their potential?
Examples:
- Boys get approval for being self-reliant, not crying, being strong.
- Girls get approval for always putting others first, for being tidy, for being quiet and polite.
- Girls receiving disapproval for being ‘bossy’ or assertive.
- Approval for doing things ‘perfectly’ or really proficiently.
- Approval for making others laugh or being cheeky.
- Approval for holding the same opinion or sharing another’s judgements about people.
- Approval for winning.
- Approval for not making a fuss!
P.S. I have often thought that self-esteem and self-acceptance were more or less the same thing. In other words, once we have removed the need to present a false façade to the world (and therefore become integrated by accepting all parts of ourselves) this self-accepting seems to bring about more steadfast resilience, ability to handle tricky situations, integrity, ability to push beyond our comfort zone, ability to listen to criticism etc. – which are the behaviours of people with good self-worth. It might be simply because once integrated, we are navigating life in a far less complicated way being caught less off-guard by unconscious triggers!