When I work with parents/carers and school staff to look at emotions and behaviour, I like to think I take some of them on a bit of journey. None of what I cover is rocket science but the sessions end up being a ‘stock-take’, a reflection and hopefully the gaining of a toolbox full of things they can try…as after all, if you keep doing the same, you’ll get more of the same. (There is sometimes an issue with unwillingness to try something new – but rarely!)
After I have delivered my ‘input’, I have the luxury with local schools of offering a further session that has no planned content but is about reflecting upon what was covered, any successes and anything that’s still causing difficulties. These often feel like very valuable sessions.
It was in the most recent of these sessions that I ended up summing up one aspect of how adults can support children’s repeated challenging behaviour proactively:
- Understand all challenging behaviour comes from a feeling of some kind and we need to be accepting of that feeling. (It might just be tiredness or hunger but just as easily overwhelm or anxiety!)
- Speculate about this feeling. e.g. I wonder if you’re feeling…., I notice that… (you can start this with very young children and it can really help them become more emotionally aware and tune into what’s going on for them).
- Acknowledge that if they are expressing their feelings or needs in a way that makes a situation worse or they are showing unhelpful or aggressive behaviours, there is a problem that needs solving.
- Talk with the child about the problem, and problem solve together – preferably at some point where everyone is calm and shame can be kept to a minimum. Find a solution the child thinks could work for them. (This is not about dwelling on what happened but about how we could do things more helpfully in the future.)
- Your aim is for the child to learn to express that feeling (and need) in a better way. Explain that you can help them do this but ultimately it’s down to them and you trust them to be able to do this!
- With the child, work out the specifics about what the ‘better’ way would look and sound like and what would help them do this. e.g. declare how you’re feeling (which can dissipate emotion in itself), self-soothe, take time out if needed, work out what you’re struggling with, work out what you need is and state this, etc.
- Accept that changes are unlikely to happen overnight.
- Loudly acknowledge the impact of any successes! ‘You must be really proud of yourself…’!
- (Advanced and for older children!) Help children make reparations for any upset they have caused when they express emotions or needs in a ‘damaging’ way. This develops empathy and makes repeat behaviour less likely.
OK this is a very simplified version (and I give tools for each stage) but this is just as true for adults as it is for children. When we find ourselves engaging in behaviours that could be ‘making things worse’ we are usually driven by raw, unconscious emotions triggered by our needs not being met. It’s an ever-so-slightly different, and yet another, way of looking at what we are trying to achieve with emotional intelligence. How do we improve our reactions to emotions (and the feelings triggered by unmet needs) so they become less damaging and possibly even instigate positive change sometimes?
I know I have said this many times, paraphrased it numerous times, come at it from many different angles, and I’m about to do it again – but the awareness of an emotion arriving, is your starting point.
Name the emotion. I was speaking to an adult recently who said that just declaring they were grumpy shifted their behaviour rather than just being tangled up in grumpiness splashing all over the place and all over others.
Recognising the impact the emotion usually has on you is also key. What are your ‘go to’ behaviours? Acknowledging them is 50% of the work towards changing them so you can be more flexible and resourceful in your responses. Can you stop and reflect for long enough to resist the urge of any impulses and work out what would be a better thing to do?
What is your emotional response telling you and is its message valid: perhaps not at all because you have distorted things? partially valid? or totally valid? What is your underlying need? What would be the specifics of the situation if it were to change for the better? What responsibility do you need to take to address this situation? Who do you need to speak to in order for this to be made more likely? Do you need to adjust and just accept something (so you can let it go)?
As a further reflection tool, this might help….
