We can all be negative! In fact, as I have frequently mentioned, a focus on the negative – or wariness – was necessary for survival back when we were hunter-gatherers. I have often written about our negativity bias and I recently wrote about how current thinking is that our pain and reward system was designed to be tipped slightly in favour of pain so that, for example, we’d be driven for the six-hour hunt needed sometimes to catch our next meal!
Edward de Bono in his six thinking hats, acknowledges that some time dwelling on problems or things we might need to be cautious about or ‘the black hat’ as he refers to it, can be beneficial, but what if our default position nearly always rests in the resistant, critical, ‘yes but’, and dismissive? Such a setting is bound to reduce our opportunities. It will also inhibit the flexibility needed to make the most of, or embrace, change (and change in life is inevitable).
You don’t have to look far to see or experience negativity. The world is somewhat full of it. It’s generally understood that positivity is a good thing and those people we know who tend to ooze optimism and enthusiasm always seem more resilient, forgiving, opportunistic and open to ideas. They might sometimes irritate really negative people but even those personalities probably recognise the benefits (and might feel envious) of the ability to stay positive.
Automatic negativity is often unconscious. It can become embedded as ‘personality’. It is also often a safety response that is more likely when we are stressed, means we are more resistant to change or suggestions and attempts to defensively keep us securely within what we know. When it’s a well-trodden path, it’s much less challenging to us than remaining positive and open.
Let’s consider some of the different ways we can be negative and consider what might be going on.
Complaining and moaning
We all encounter testing situations – it would be an extremely closeted life that didn’t. We know every self-help guide will espouse the idea that it’s not what happens, so much as how we deal with it that matters. We might think moaning helps as we might feel affiliation to fellow moaners and it might feel like we’re letting off steam but moaning rarely cuts-to-the-chase to sort out problems.
Incessant complaining, I’ve witnessed, is often an indication of one or more of the following: a belief that nothing could be done about the situation (and the agitated resignation that goes with that), a sense a person might carry of never being listened to (and therefore an automatic dismissal of the idea that trying to be heard is at all worthwhile) and/or the fear of confrontation.
It takes awareness to have clarity about what any particular problem is and emotional bravery to take action to address it. Some of us sit far more comfortably in the position of continuously moaning than shifting to the ‘can do’ mindset and sense of agency needed to at least try to solve a problem.
In the situations where truly nothing could be done, I guess we would have to look at the benefits acceptance can provide. It’s definitely a judgement call and a delicate balance between deciding to act or ‘let it go’!
Negative judgement and criticism
Constructive criticism has its place – but the onus is on constructive. ‘Criticism’ ideally encourages individuals to find a way of getting better at something but I think that aim is often forgotten. Criticism is often employed just as a put down – in some realms more than others (e.g. the internet!)
What is it that can make us look at another person or something they have done and decide we can pass negative judgement or have prejudice so readily? The old saying, ‘never judge a person until we have walked in a person’s moccasins for two weeks’ comes to mind. (The exact, and certain, ‘2 weeks’ always makes me wonder if someone tried it – and declared, ‘one week and 6 days wasn’t enough!’) What is our need to subjectively judge others harshly? I struggle to see the positives of doing so, (other than in extreme circumstance where judgement results in self-protection). Judgement is, after all, often an egoic need to consider ourselves ‘better’ than someone else. That’s not an overly helpful need and it doesn’t really boost our self-worth in an authentic way.
The relative distance and anonymity of the online world seems to enable incredible criticism (in the same way the protection of a vehicle allows road-rage)! I sometimes admit to feeling dismay when a creative soul has offered something out into the ether to be received by a barrage of criticism. I would rather the world encouraged creativity – of any kind – even that which might not be to our personal taste. If the effort to create something and push it into the world was always applauded – our tender souls might be more encouraged to do so.
It’s really easy to criticise. Criticising others seems to offer a briefly enjoyable, false, short-term boost – clarifying your imagined superiority! But it doesn’t really work does it (rhetorical mark). You know somewhere that it’s not really ‘net positive’!
If you personally don’t like something, that’s fine, but should this drive a need to shoot something down? (There’s still value and interest in exploring your reaction to something – even more so if it’s a strong negative one!) I think it’s a more useful exercise to think of what could be suggested to make something even better than to simply dismiss it as rubbish, but that might come from years of primary school teaching! Maybe sometimes we do need to hear that something isn’t quite our forte – although should not excelling at something creative ever really mean we’re strongly dissuaded from doing it?
(I am also going to add here that I am not talking about negative judgements of ‘opinions’ that result in an abuse of power!)
Resistance to suggestions
I definitely used to fall into this category through emotional fear! OK some suggestions clearly won’t work or might be ill-informed. However what’s key is how open we are at the point of suggestions being made so that we evaluate them as objectively as possible. Is there fear, arrogance or a strong need to control causing resistance to even considering the idea? Some people become extremely talented in the ‘yes but’ approach – even in the face of boundless enthusiasm!
Always assuming and anticipating the worst
It’s clear to see that this is born of an emotion system that employs a ‘better safe than sorry’ tactic but when we are not even aware of it, it can reduce our comfort zone to ‘tiny’ and trigger a lot of anxiety. Sometimes it seems like people go frantically searching for things to worry about and possible negative scenarios to torture themselves with. Counteracting this is definitely about awareness of our brain’s tendency to do this so we can eventually transcend it.
Gloom and doom
The defeatism we can feel when we let gloom and doom enter our psyche can be overwhelming. Much like ‘anticipating the worst’ we can easily fall into this mindset. It seems to be linked to how resilient we’re feeling. When we’re wobbling already, it’s fascinating to see how many more things suddenly also seem terrible! If we adopt the ‘gloom and doom’ stance we tend to assume there’s nothing positive that could be done about anything and can find ourselves wallowing in an all-consuming cocktail of all of the above!
Optimism
I seem to always arrive at very similar conclusions about how to address the more troubling aspects of the psyche, summed up by:
1) bring thinking and emotions into greater awareness
2) be curious about what’s going on for you
3) move away from automatic responses – the ones you might never have challenged
4) develop greater perspective as a result of your curiosity and
5) be able to employ more resourceful responses!
And in a nutshell, positivity definitely helps with:
- openness
- the ability to embrace or make the most of change
- the ability to forgive others (as we would like to be forgiven)
- finding contentment
- resilience
- not being irritated by my tendency to over-use bullet points!
