Obviously most jobs people do have a reactive element as well as a proactive component. By speculation alone, I suspect a receptionist might need to be more reactive and an architect might need to be more proactive. But if we approached anything only reactively or only proactively, we’d falter!
I appreciate that was a very weird introduction but I often find that people have a tendency towards being reactive (responding immediately to requests and ‘things that pop up’) to the point of leaving very little time to be proactive (e.g. create policy and procedures, preventative measures, problem solve for the long term with issues that recur etc.). Reactivity is for the short term, proactivity is for the long term!
So why have I started with such a waffly introduction?
I see supporting children’s behaviour is regularly dealt with reactively but that proactive measures are often overlooked. This is something I ask parents to consider. For example, if leaving the house for school requires considerable effort with cajoling, bribing, coaxing, tricking and/or you find yourself locking horns with the behaviour (reactive responses) and this is necessary every morning, then it’s time to get proactive.
If a child reacts aggressively, we need to address the behaviour in the moment, but do we ever remember to talk about better ways of managing anger later – when everything is calm again?
(a slide from one of my training sessions…)
I do hear arguments that state that revisiting a ‘misdemeanour’ can re-trigger a child and a ‘fresh start’ is a better way of avoiding shame. But if a behaviour is on repeat, there are ways of bringing up the issue in ways that keep shame to a minimum so proactive responses can be digested and have a better chance of helping a child learn better ways of behaving. These approaches need to be done at a point after any behaviour that needs addressing and certainly when things are calm.
The most obvious ‘low-shame’ method is social stories. Talk to your/the child about another (fictional child) who struggled with the behaviour you wish to address. Amazingly many children don’t recognise it’s their behaviour you’re talking about and they can be surprisingly forthcoming with suggestions for the child having difficulties!
Another aspect of proactive responses that can reduce shame is about being clear about what behaviour would be more desirable. Sometimes we can get caught up with focussing on the misdemeanour when it would be far better to focus on the preferred behaviour we’d like a child to achieve in the future.
Another proactive method is to talk about how you personally struggle with their behaviour using affective statements. ‘I really struggle when we take so long to get out of the house because it makes me late for work and my boss thinks I don’t take my job seriously.’ This poses the problem as yours, that needs addressing. This can open up a problem solving discussion. This discussion can lead to the underlying need your child/a child is struggling with and you can work together to try and problem solve so that their need (and your need) is met.
Another proactive means of modifying behaviour is ‘forward pacing’: talking about the time in the future when the behaviour will no longer be a problem and asking your child to imagine what that will be like! I sometimes asked children if they thought they would still struggle to come into the classroom when they were in Year 6. Some would inevitably say, ‘yes’ but to which I would tell them that I don’t know of any Year 6s this was true of. I would then discuss how we could get to this future a little sooner. What did we need to put in place for that to happen?
Another proactive method is to explore the times when things go well. Ask the child why sometimes they can just get on and do what’s needed? What’s in place when this happens and how can we put that in place every time?
Within proactive approaches you can also break down what is required from the child into small steps. This will not only help you and the child work out if there’s a particular part of the ‘process’ the/your child struggles with, it will also make the task less overwhelming.
Another tool I have used successfully with some children comes for Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) and it’s called an ‘anchor’. If you have clarified that a child is struggling with something emotionally and this is leading to resistance, start by asking how the situation makes them feel. Next ask them to imagine what would be a more helpful feeling to have in the situation they are struggling with. They might select feeling calm, brave, happy, confident etc. Once they have chosen the desired emotion, ask them to think of a time when they felt that way and recall the situation that triggered the more helpful emotion in as much detail as possible. The more imaginatively they re-visit the situation with the resourceful emotion, the greater they will access this desirable emotion. Once they have maximised the resourceful emotion (as the memory should trigger it if they remember it intensely), simply ask the child to press their thumb and forefinger together. This becomes the magic trigger for the emotion and can be used by the child when they need to draw upon it. (It is a bit like how a piece of music can instantly transport us to a ‘positive place’.) This method seems to work really well for some children.
So in summary, addressing any ‘behaviour that challenges’, we do need to be reactive, but sometimes a dollop of proactivity is helpful-especially with recurrent difficulties. There will always be behaviours that it would be better for children to unlearn after all.
A slide of both reactive and proactive methods of helping a child come into class more readily in the morning!