A fortnight or so ago, I attended a weekend workshop that could have initially and superficially be described as learning how to play – but of course it was so much more than that – which is just as well as I am already very good at playing. In fact free-form playing is one of my favourite things to do!
The course was run by Holly Stoppit, who was brought up in her family’s circus along with five brothers and sisters. That’s rather reductive – she is so much more than just a circus! 🙂 (I think one of my names is definitely Molly Stoppit too.)
Holly facilitated the weekend in a way that enabled participants to venture increasingly boldly into expansive play. This slow and safe build-up encouraged everyone further and further into taking risks to truly and playfully explore each moment with less and less inhibition. There was a degree of structure to the ‘games,’ but they could all be engaged in with greater or lesser personal expression.
The theory the course was built around is a type of therapy called Internal Family Systems (IFS). The theory of this model was explored in practice through play (something many people feel some degree of self-consciousness about as an adult). As you play, you potentially brush up against the edge of your comfort zones. As you do so, and as you tune more into the moment, you start to witness in yourself, ‘parts’ that drive your behaviour to either protect yourself or put defensive measures in place when/if you feel threatened.
These ‘parts’ often drive behaviour unconsciously, so the idea is to make them more conscious, allowing you greater control over them. It was made clear that you don’t try to rid yourself of the parts; you accept that they kept you safe (usually in childhood) and that they are a well-intentioned part of you. You can then decide how each part can consciously serve you – as it might still be used appropriately at times.
For example, one part many people have is the inner critic. This part provides an internal voice that berates you for whatever you do and anticipates that you’ll be rejected by others for ‘getting it wrong.’ It’s well-intentioned, as it wants to protect you from such negative judgment. However, if it’s too ‘loud’, your comfort zone will be reduced, and you’ll be too stifled to ever start anything. But the inner critic doesn’t need ditching; it can be helpful. Holly used the example that when she writes something, she’ll do a couple of drafts before she lets the inner critic come in and make comments – which helps the final product be better, of course.
There are lots of different parts. For example: a perfectionist part will only let you join in if you’re sure what you do is going to be perfect (which is, of course, impossible) – again, because of fear of judgment from others. The people-pleaser part is so worried about conflict or being rejected if it doesn’t put others first and maintain harmony that it unconsciously inhibits jumping in and just enjoying yourself.
And of course, if emotional discomfort is triggered, the firefighters will come in to address the ‘crisis.’ These might be an angry part lashing out, an addictive part resorting to compulsive behaviours, the impulsive part distracting from facing the discomfort/pain, the avoiding part who disengages and shuts down or the self-saboteur who disrupts things to avoid facing something perceived to be even more uncomfortable – all often barely on the edge of our awareness.
According to IFS, underneath all of these protective behaviours are the wounded parts: the shamed, the abandoned, the lonely, the scared, the worthless, etc. They might need quite a bit of coaxing to reveal themselves to ourselves as their vulnerability can make us feel disempowered and shamed (and their careful coxing into the light is the realm of therapy).
It was a powerful weekend and leaves you with an ability to tune in more readily to the ‘what’s really going on here?’ moments where your reactions seem to go on autopilot and don’t always seem to make the most resourceful choices. But also, as with any session where a group of people are more and more authentically showing their vulnerabilities, the connections become deeper than they would within a ‘normal’ two days of hanging out with others. Such times demonstrate how better we connect with others when we put aside any pretence of being something we’re not really.
So next time you find yourself faced with something that potentially takes you out of your comfort zone, listen out for those parts. See if you can make them more conscious, accept them, thank them and reassess them slightly to find out where and when they might more appropriately give you the benefit of their good intentions!