It’s sort of obvious, but we can forget: when a child digs their heels in, starts insulting us or becomes aggressive (verbally and/or physically) it’s because underneath it all, they are often feeling threatened, overwhelmed or ‘over-challenged’. It might be easy for us to forget because we might not relate to how easily some children manage to feel threatened in some situations. And some children feel threatened far more readily than others, such that we are continuously engaged in addressing their behaviour and not having time to step back and consider the underlying cause.
The first step in helping children manage the emotions that trigger unhelpful behaviours is to be a calm, reliable and soothing presence. Some (not all) children respond well to touch when they are feeling anxious or threatened e.g. a sideways hug or a gentle circular rub at the top of their back. Some just need to be consistently reassured that whatever they do, you will still be there for them. This requires us to be aware of our own reactions towards their feelings and behaviour, so that we are able to calmly make conscious decisions about how best to respond (and not caught up in the heat of the moment). This response is usually one that needs the approach of unconditional positive regard (UPR): I will like or love you whatever you do or don’t do. An adult employing UPR can help a child eventually trust enough to reasonably healthily connect with them. Once an adult has a connection with a child, they are best placed to help that child work out the reasons behind their behaviours.
When we feel threatened, as some children often do, we feel a compulsion to defend ourselves, escape or freeze. Often with children, especially those who struggle to self-regulate (e.g. children with attachment issues, children high in neuroticism, ADHD or ASC etc.), this can come out in really unhelpful ways. When something happens that causes some children to have a strong physical, emotional and thinking reaction, it is often overpowering and their responses can be automatic and ‘big’. They do what has worked for them in the past to counteract their sense of threat. This is where we need to step in to help a child unpick what is happening for them. Rather than just reacting to the unhelpful behaviour, we need to try and see what it is the child might be struggling with and unpick the back-story for them, so their awareness increases.
In doing this, we make the whole process more conscious, for us and for the child. It also helps us see why punishing the child is an ineffective way of dealing with challenging behaviour as any punishment could make the child even more anxious – or fearful- about what’s happening. (I am not saying all behaviours are triggered by a feeling of threat, sometimes a child just wants more attention, they are not managing impulses well, they imitate the adults in their life, a particular unhelpful behaviour has been inadvertently ‘rewarded’ in the past, they are bored, they simply don’t want to stop the thing they are really enjoying, or possibly they have unmet needs – like being tired or hungry for example, but with young children and those who struggle to regulate, many things can challenge them in a way that trigger strong emotional reactions.)
A further thing to say about adult responses to a child struggling to regulate is that in order for a child to eventually manage their own reactions, they need an adult who validates, manages and thinks about the meaning of all of their feelings. Having our feelings understood can make us feel listened to and fully accepted. If anyone is truly concerned about how we are feeling, we can’t help but feel they care about us.
To help a child become more conscious of the process leading up to their unhelpful behaviours, you calmly speculate about what might be going on for them using phrases like:
(getting progressively more involved)
- I think you’re feeling a strong/powerful/bothersome/uncomfortable emotion. Am I right?
- I wonder if you are worried about…
- I notice you always start to look uncomfortable when…
- I know you find X difficult but I am here to help you with it.
- Let me know when you’re ready for me to help.
- I can see you’re struggling; let’s see if we can work out what you need help with.
When you and the child can anticipate the things they struggle with, they start to learn the process of identifying and managing their feelings, their self-awareness increases and they have more chance of self-regulating in the long term. I will add, this is rarely a quick fix or magic wand! It takes repetition and perseverance from adults for children to eventually trust they can change their strong automatic reactions.
***
Observations from a PRU
As a teacher in a PRU, where most children were really easily ‘spooked’ (although few would be aware, acknowledge or admit it) a child would start to feel threatened most often over the following things:
- Being asked to do something they had previously often failed at so that they anticipated it would trigger shame
- Unexpected changes in the way things had always been done
- Real or perceived criticism (the threat of the shame triggered was usually too much for them to cope with)
- Interactions with other children – because other children were often as unpredictable as they were
- Transitions – changing from one activity to the next – including arriving and leaving.
- Being asked to stop doing something (anxiety over something they enjoyed disappearing)
- A new person in the room (a big ‘unknown’)
- Feeling let down because an adult didn’t do what they said they would
And the strategies children used to cover-up their anxiety included:
- Attacking others verbally or physically
- Trying to get strong reactions from others – including blaming someone else aggressively for something, or anything
- Refusing to do anything
- Deliberate sabotage by any means – including destroying whatever they were working on, ripping up work
- Running away
- Trying to overbearingly control everyone and everything
- Damaging the physical environment
- Engaging in dangerous behaviours
- Pushing at any boundaries – often doing the one thing that was considered most ‘out of bounds’
I‘m sure neither list is comprehensive but it demonstrates children’s vulnerability behind the behaviour and can give some insight into their perspectives and patterns.
Anxiety, overwhelm and behaviour – what children need
The kinds of things children can need if they cannot self-regulate include (although not all children will need all of these):
First and foremost:
- Unconditional positive regard – feel liked for who they are not what they do or don’t do.
- Feel all their emotions are tolerated, acceptable, managed, and thought about as having meaning.
- Need adults to remain as a calm, warm and steady presence whatever they do.
- And once more secure from healing relationships, then….
- To be able to trust adults so they can let the adults take control.
- Need help understanding what they might be feeling.
- Need help linking their emotions to their impulses and behaviours.
- Need help to understand how their behaviour affects others.
- Not be given challenges that seem too daunting.
- Be taught calming strategies until they can start to use them independently.
- To develop understanding that it is OK to ask for help.
- Help to understand boundaries – and having them explained simply in very clear terms.
- To have their needs anticipated.
- Help changing an ‘all or nothing attitude’ e.g. someone is simply ‘bad’ if they do something nasty.
The aim is to make a child feel secure enough to eventually let go of the unhelpful coping strategies they have developed to try and avoid having their anxiety and/or overwhelm triggered.