Now there’s a title I thought I would never use! Let me explain that I don’t actually mean cruel but the sentiment of the original saying will be – sort of – infused in this post. What I really should have said was….
Let children learn to cope: why overprotection doesn’t serve them well
It’s perfectly natural to want to protect our children. We love them, after all and the thought of them struggling, being upset or getting something wrong can tug painfully at our heart-strings. But the reality is, overprotecting children doesn’t serve them well in the long run.
When children don’t get the chance to face challenges and prove to themselves that they can cope, they don’t get opportunities to develop their self-reliance (which, in turn, builds their resilience). In the long term, never getting to sort things for themselves makes them more likely to grow anxious about handling new or tricky situations. It’s like they’re being taught (without us meaning to) that someone will always swoop in to fix things, so if they find themselves without a ‘swooper’, they assume they won’t manage.
Being reactive to children’s problems
Let’s take a common example. A child comes home upset because a friend was mean to them or because a teacher didn’t pick them for something. As parents/carers, our instincts can strongly kick in. We might want to do one (or all) of the following:
- Rush in with suggestions (Why don’t you just play with someone else?)
- Dismiss it (Don’t worry, it’s no big deal)
- Sort it out for them (I’ll have a word with their teacher tomorrow.)
These reactions all come from a place of love, a need to protect and a desire to make things better for our child (and more selfishly for ourselves too because seeing our child struggle can be hard for us to endure). But what these responses actually do is take away an opportunity for our child to problem-solve, process, and learn how to handle the situation themselves. They remove the opportunities to build their confidence. (Also in the case of dismissing the problem, the child can also feel very unseen and unheard!)
Add in the fact that, with phones and constant messaging, children and teens often have parents ‘on tap’ all day long. They can check in about every tiny problem before they’ve even tried to manage it. This might feel reassuring in the moment, but it chips away at their ability to self-regulate and develop that crucial inner voice that says, ‘I can work this out.’
Being proactive
So what can we do instead?
I have written before about the best way of helping children sort out their problems, is to simply listen attentively to them so that at worst, they feel better about the situation but at best, they might come up with a solution for themselves. You can make this even more effective by feeding back what they might be feeling to them so they feel really seen and heard and more likely to open up their exploration of the problem.
But there’s more we can do. To enable self-reliance further we can also look for ways (big and small) for children to stretch themselves, take risks and take responsibility. That means letting them mess up sometimes (safely), supporting them afterwards and helping them reflect on what they learned.
After a recent discussion with a parent, I thought it might be helpful to create a list of age-appropriate ways to build independence and opportunities to take responsibility. I totally appreciate children develop at different rates, but here are some ideas in age order:
Ages 3 to 4
This is the age where children love to copy what you do and feel a huge sense of pride when they can say, ‘I did it myself!’ – which can be delightful for you. The trick is to let them, even if it takes ten times longer! It will pay off in the long run (like I keep saying)!
- Let your child tell you when it’s safe to cross the road (you still need to check, of course!)
- Choose their own clothes for the day. Expect some gloriously eccentric outfits!
- Help pour their own drink
- Help tidy away toys.
- Put their own shoes and coat on before going out
- Help match socks when sorting laundry
- Wipe the table with a small cloth after mealtimes
Ages 5–6
At this stage, children are bursting with curiosity and often want to be useful. It’s a great time to harness that enthusiasm before it fades into the classic ‘Do I have to?’ years! It’s great for children to start understanding that their contribution can make a difference and is valuable.
- Lay the table for dinner or clear it afterwards
- Feed a pet or water plants
- Pack their school bag (with a quick check from you)
- Help make a simple snack or sandwich spreading butter or cutting fruit, for example
- Put the cutlery in the right compartment in the drawer after it’s been washed up.
- Choose and lay out their clothes for the next day
- Remember their book bag or PE kit
- Help pair up clean socks and put away laundry
- Help wash the car
- Help water the garden
- Tidy their bedroom (with support at first: breaking it down into different takes, first – this, second – that etc.
Ages 8 to 11
This is the age where independence can start to feel exciting rather than scary and where children can start to take on real responsibility. They might grumble about chores but they love the sense of being trusted (even if it is secretly!).
- Start walking to school alone (or walk part of the journey if it’s a really long way)
- Manage their own homework routine (perhaps with a little gentle nudging now and then)
- Decide upon a club or activity they want to attend/do and work out the logistics of their attendance.
- Make simple meals with supervision e.g. scrambled eggs, pasta, or pancakes on a weekend morning
- Take responsibility for remembering and putting together kit or equipment for activities
- Help plan and cook a family meal once a week
- Learn to use a washing machine or dishwasher safely
- Set an alarm and get themselves up and ready for school
- Offer help to younger siblings or neighbours
- Organise and carry our a sale of their old toys
Age 12 upwards
By this age, young people are itching for more independence, and rightly so. They’re on the edge of the teenage years, testing boundaries, forming their own opinions, and wanting to prove they can be trusted. It’s the age of ‘chomping on the bit’ – so giving them more responsibility and trusting them with more freedom helps with this! It’s the time to give them bigger, real-world responsibilities and manageable risks that stretch their confidence, while still keeping them anchored to your quiet support.
- Take a bus or train ride on their own
- Make more elaborate meals – from start to finish, clearing away too.
- Plan and budget a small outing with friends: buying a bus ticket, checking times, and letting you know plans.
- Start volunteering: helping younger children at a club, or supporting a community activity.
- Try new experiences like a residential trip, a part-time job, or joining a new team or activity that feels a little outside their comfort zone.
- Allow them to make decisions that have consequences (without stepping in – even if you can anticipate a potential difficulty) choosing how to spend money, how to use free time or when to prioritise homework over hobbies (and learning from what happens if it goes wrong!).
I appreciate it can be hard watching our children struggle with something that we could so easily step in and fix. Every instinct in us wants to sort it out, make it easy and shield them from frustration, disappointment or the ‘ouch’ of getting something wrong. We also might just want things sorted quickly through impatience or because we know our child won’t do something as well as we would. But stepping back doesn’t mean we care less, it means we’ve made a conscious decision to help our children develop self-reliance. When we give our children the space to wobble and to work things out for themselves, we’re showing them we believe in them. We’re saying, ‘I trust you to handle this.’
So next time your child wrestles with their zip, encounters a friendship difficulty or forgets their lunchbox, take a breath before jumping in. Offer your calm presence, your empathy, and your confidence in them. The best support isn’t always to rescue, but to stand nearby supportively, as they discover they can rescue themselves – eventually – to their sense of great satisfaction!
